Friday, September 21, 2007
im sorry
i have decided that now is probably the time to talk about everything that has been going on. i was arrested again a couple of weeks ago. it was for consumption of alcohol by a minor. since i have been arrested i dont hang out with anyone and i have been staying home except when i go to burlington. see the thing is that i know i let everyone down including myself and it has been bothering me alot since the arrest. i was doing so good then i screwed up again. i had been letting drugs and alcohol run my life for a long time now and i never really wanted to face that that was really happening and i finally wanted to do something about it. honestly the drugs havent been what i was looking at i havent really smoked pot since i got out of jail because my intrest in it wasnt as strong as it was i only smoked pot every once in a great while but the alcohol is the one thing that i wanted. i drank consistantly for the last 4 months. when i was arrested i realized how bad my alcoholism was getting. im 19 and basically live for alcohol. it was getting really bad. the night i was arrested i drank basically a 5th of vodka in 15 mins. i realized if i dont put it aside i could lose everything. it hurts to think that i might lose my job and go back to jail because of my problems. i have been going to rb's meetings with jenn now for 3 weeks and it has been helpful. i have been clean now for 3 weeks yesterday and im proud to say that i am happier without the alcohol. there was a time where i felt i wasnt happy unless i had the alcohol in me. i also talked to my supavisor at work and my lead and they said even if i go to jail my job would probably not be a stake because im a good worker and im there everyday and they dont have any problems with my work. that made me feel alittle better knowing that i probably wont lose my job. it is still killing me knowing i lost the trust of people i love and care about. when i go to burlington alot of people think that thats where i do my drugs and drink but i went up there the other weekend and weed was brought out and i looked at my friends and told them i felt uncomfortable and we left. my friends there know what happened and they have been supportave of it and they want to help me which also makes me feel good. at the bonfire a kid asked if i wanted to go smoke a blunt and i just looked at him and looked back to my cousin nicole and looked at him and told him i dont want to and walked away and went over to nicole and hung out with her. it made me feel so good when i told them no i dont want to it made me feel like i can be myself and not get f*cked up to do so. i was also asked if i could help someone find someone to find them alcohol and i looked at her and told her im not going to drink help anyone drink but if u want to hang out or talk about something else than i would do that. she just gave me a look like i was crazy and walked away. that hurt that she did that but it also made me feel good about myself. i just wanted to tell everyone im so sorry that i messed up again and that im working on getting clean and that im sorry for letting everyone down. also i took my last GED test last night so i will let everyone know how that went when i get the results. again im so sorry. thank u everyone for being there for me in the past and im glad i have a family who cares. i love u guys!!!
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4 comments:
I love you Sam! And it's okay to fall back sometimes, but the trick is to recover and take more steps forward then you've fallen back. You've got an amazing support system and people who understand what you are going through, so don't be afraid to let us know whats up- even if all we have to give you are some encouraging words or a hug. As long as you have the desire to be better, the rest of it will start to fall into place. Keep working hard and soon all these mistakes will just be a distant memory. I miss you and I can't wait to see you at my party!
Oh, Sam. If you could only know how much we all love you and how badly we want you to succeed and not have to use drugs or alchohol or anything else to feel good about yourself.
I've told you before and I will tell you again. WE WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU!! Never, never, never. Be disappointed? Yes. Angry sometimes? Yes. But we will always love you and encourage you.
I hope you continue to go to meetings. Your sister is the best friend anyone could ask for. I know, because I have three sisters of my own.
Keep telling us how you are. We will do all we can to support your HEALTHY choices. Remember, there is a Creator God who wants you to be the best you can be but He will lift you up when you are hurting.
I love you! Aunt Kathy
Hey, Sam, ther is no need to apologize to us. We just want he best for you, and it looks like you might be on the right track for that to happen. Sometimes we have to reach rock bottom before we can reach up for the helping hand that is alwasy there for us. It sounds like you are reaching, just keep looking up, and things will get better.
Love you, Aunt Cindy :)
Sam, I am proud of the steps you are making right now to make your life better. You know that I am here for you to talk to, and I know the struggle of getting clean and saying no. I've been clean for over two years and it still can be hard to say no, and make the right choices. You are becoming an amazing person, and you don't need substances to make you a good person, or to cure your heart when its broken. I am here for you, and there isn't alot of people that have a recovering addict near them 24/7. Don't feel bad for the things you've done, they only make you stronger as a person. I love you SAM BA LAM!! Stay strong, I'm only two doors down!
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